it’s pathetic that I feel ashamed and guilty for spending my summer relaxing the way summer was meant to be spent rather than working as hospital interns and taking sat classes and computer programming camps like the rest of my classmates
and that now when i see other’s accomplishments instead of being happy like i should be for them i’m only resentful to be reminded of my own shortcomings and that while they’re getting things done i’m sitting at home doing fucking nothing
i don’t want to be so tired and stressed all the time but everyone else is doing these things and i want to get into college in a few years. i want to make myself proud of who i am but i know that even at the end of everything even if i get into an ivy league i still won’t be happy because i spent four years of high school trying to mold my resume into competitions and awards to please the college admission officers rather than what i really enjoy because there is no life outside of getting into top schools where i live. they tell us that getting into a good college is the greatest achievement you can get after going through 13 years of state-required schooling.
i KNOW that i won’t be satisfied or happy and at the same time i can’t bring myself to lower my expectations (although really, they’re not just my expectations. they’re my family’s, my teachers’, and my classmates’ and friends’.) because overachieving is the standard, and anything less than over is under; a failure.
what will it take for me to live a life that i’ll be proud of? i don’t want my life goal for the next three years to be GET INTO A GOOD COLLEGE SO EVERYONE WILL BE HAPPY because i know it’s not true and i don’t even know if it’s worth it anymore. i didn’t realize it until an upperclassman who had known both my sister and i described us as “intense”. i didn’t realize it until we had dinner with a bunch of out-of-college wushu friends—